Christmas is an enigma to me because I never grew up celebrating it. And since it’s been awhile since I bummed you out by poking fun at this hectic and crazed holiday…
Ten reasons why I think Santa sucks
Santa is not the healthiest dude. In this day and age, when The Biggest Loser is one of the most watched TV shows on prime time and a President who is promoting a healthier lifestyle by setting the right example, in December we celebrate and an extremely overweight and facially unkempt old man. I love that we are cutting a little slack to the elderly, personally I plan on putting on an extra 20 lbs and wearing it proudly in my twilight years. But we all know that ”fat” around the middle is one of the most unhealthiest areas to gain additional weight. Santa is about 2 chocolate chip cookies away from stroking out in some unsuspecting child’s living room.
Santa is an animal abuser. You would think that after all these years, Santa would retire the reindeer: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, and Rudolf (yes, I had to look those names up). How old do you think they are? Like a gazillion years? Those poor little reindeer have wore their little hooves to the quick and deserve to chew on grass in a pasture that is warmer than the North Pole. Besides, after doing ALL the work on Christmas Eve and pulling that jolly, ‘ole, fat dude — their backs, DEFINITELY need a break.
Santa is discriminatory. I know that I can’t put a bunch of people’s names on a list and walk around touting that they are “bad” or “good”. Seems to me it’s a lot like a Mafia hit list and completely unfounded. Who’s to say who is bad or good? Why are we listening to a man who has no children. (Don’t get me started on the elves, that’s just weird).
Santa pretends he’s poor. I know he wears JUST that red suit, belt buckle and funky hat/shoes every single year as if he can’t afford to go out and buy a new wardrobe. But think about it. This guy has more marketing products that sell his name, face and goods. Santa has GOT to be getting some unaccounted residuals and probably making him some serious bank.
Santa is a recluse. Look, this guy comes out ONCE a year. ONCE. For 24 hours. Don’t you find that odd and a bit creepy? What goes on up there at the North Pole? This country is not tolerant of super private groups, remember Waco and Neverland Ranch? I’m surprised the Feds haven’t made a visit.
Santa is taking over other holidays. We get so pumped up for Christmas (well, retailers) that Christmas decorations are starting to come out around Halloween. I think it’s a little selfish of Santa. What next? We’ll be singing Deck the Halls while watching a fireworks display on the Fourth of July?
Santa is not eco-friendly. Christmas pine trees, plastic decor, lights sucking wasteful energy and tons of wrapping paper that get used one time. I rest my case.
Santa appears to be uneducated. He really has a limited vocabulary. “Ho-Ho-Ho”, “Meeeeerrrrry Christmas”, “Have you been bad or good little girl/boy?”. I’d like to find out his thoughts on the theory of relativity or the crisis in the Middle East.
Santa is a sexist husband. Talk about keeping women in the dark ages. He doesn’t even take Mrs. Claus out for a sleigh ride. She doesn’t even have a first name! Nope, she’s just the little woman who stays home and cooks his meals.
Santa encourages lying. Don’t be hatin’, cause you know it’s true. That fat, jolly dude couldn’t walk on a roof much less fly down the chimney. But that’s what we tell our kids.
Merry Christmas! *snicker*