lots of laughs
ten reasons why santa sucks
Christmas is an enigma to me because I never grew up celebrating it. And since it’s been awhile since I bummed you out by poking fun at this hectic and crazed holiday…
Ten reasons why I think Santa sucks:
- Santa is not the healthiest dude. In this day and age, when The Biggest Loser is one of the most watched TV shows on prime time and a President who is promoting a healthier lifestyle by setting the right example, in December we celebrate and an extremely overweight and facially unkempt old man. I love that we are cutting a little slack to the elderly, personally I plan on putting on an extra 20 lbs and wearing it proudly in my twilight years. But we all know that ”fat” around the middle is one of the most unhealthiest areas to gain additional weight. Santa is about 2 chocolate chip cookies away from stroking out in some unsuspecting child’s living room.
- Santa is an animal abuser. You would think that after all these years, Santa would retire the reindeer: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, and Rudolf (yes, I had to look those names up). How old do you think they are? Like a gazillion years? Those poor little reindeer have wore their little hooves to the quick and deserve to chew on grass in a pasture that is warmer than the North Pole. Besides, after doing ALL the work on Christmas Eve and pulling that jolly, ‘ole, fat dude — their backs, DEFINITELY need a break.
- Santa is discriminatory. I know that I can’t put a bunch of people’s names on a list and walk around touting that they are “bad” or “good”. Seems to me it’s a lot like a Mafia hit list and completely unfounded. Who’s to say who is bad or good? Why are we listening to a man who has no children. (Don’t get me started on the elves, that’s just weird).
- Santa pretends he’s poor. I know he wears JUST that red suit, belt buckle and funky hat/shoes every single year as if he can’t afford to go out and buy a new wardrobe. But think about it. This guy has more marketing products that sell his name, face and goods. Santa has GOT to be getting some unaccounted residuals and probably making him some serious bank.
- Santa is a recluse. Look, this guy comes out ONCE year. ONCE. For 24 hours. Don’t you find that odd and a bit creepy? What goes on up there at the North Pole? This country is not tolerant of super private groups, remember Waco and Neverland Ranch? I’m surprised the Feds haven’t made a visit.
- Santa is taking over other holidays. We get so pumped up for Christmas (well, retailers) that Christmas decorations are starting to come out around Halloween. I think it’s a little selfish of Santa. What next? We’ll be singing Deck the Halls while watching a fireworks display on the Fourth of July?
- Santa is not eco-friendly. Christmas pine trees, plastic decor, lights sucking wasteful energy and tons of wrapping paper that get used one time. I rest my case.
- Santa appears to be uneducated. He really has a limited vocabulary. “Ho-Ho-Ho”, “Meeeeerrrrry Christmas”, “Have you been bad or good little girl/boy?”. I’d like to find out his thoughts on the theory of relativity or the crisis in the Middle East.
- Santa is a sexist husband. Talk about keeping women in the dark ages. He doesn’t even take Mrs. Claus out for a sleigh ride. She doesn’t even have a first name! Nope, she’s just the little woman who stays home and cooks his meals.
- Santa encourages lying. Don’t be hatin’, cause you know it’s true. That fat, jolly dude couldn’t walk on a roof much less fly down the chimney. But that’s what we tell our kids.
Merry Christmas! *snicker*
when to cut your wedding guest off
And this is why you hire good bartenders and allow them to cut off your guests from drinking too much.
Thank you Kawania Wooten for the link.
caught on tape
Sometimes even we have a little fun at weddings. Caught late at night at last week’s wedding, my soon-to-be-fired assistant, Carol, sneaked up and caught me on video. {EDIT: I was joking about firing Carol}
Also caught on tape….
… please vote for my aha moment! You DO NOT HAVE to register, it only takes a moment. Thanks!
chuck taylors = happiness
Everyone knows I love to collect Converse Chuck Taylors. I’m often asked how many I own. Sorry that is privileged information. My clients (both corporate and weddings) get excited and cannot wait to see what color I’ll wear to their event. I’ve been documenting a few in my collection and have added a new page to the blog, Chuck Taylor Lover.
If I can, I try to match the colors. Like this past weekend for Meghan + Patrick’s outdoor wedding reception (which will be blogged about SOON). It did rain and there was definitely some mud!
Take a look at this photo, before and after event:
Already threw them in the washer and they are back to brand spanking new!
I just figured that if I have to wear flats (taking care of my precious spine), I’m going old school and looking cool.
weird wedding mishaps:
As you know, many things can go wrong at weddings. MANY things. In the past years we have had many crazy mishaps that have happened, here’s just a few to mention:
- Recently we had a wedding party introduction that was done to a meticulously timed music intro. The groom was pretty proud of putting it together in advance. One of the bridesmaids introduced unfortunately FELL during the intro and dislocated her knee. When I say dislocated, her knee was facing the WRONG direction. She laid their screaming in pain (don’t blame her a bit) and there was a guest that is a chiropractor, he came and popped her knee back in place. The 2nd photographer shooter however, was totally grossed out and she fainted and hit her head. Update: the bridesmaid has to have surgery to fix her knee.
- A 2 year old flower girl walked down the aisle and then was taken outside by her father, because obviously she wasn’t going to be quiet during the ceremony. She was given a piece of candy, which she promptly started choking on. After about 45 seconds of her not breathing, which seems like an eternity, the candy popped out. Paramedics came to make sure she was okay. Bride never found out until the next morning.
- A bride, MOMENTS before she was to walk down the aisle, had her beaded trim along her veil break. The sound of beads hitting the floor was like a BB gun shooting off. A bridesmaid quickly grabbed it to stop the slew of beads falling and we sewed it up so she could make her wedding without her veil coming undone down the aisle.
- At the same wedding (bride with the veil), a groomsman was standing at the front of the altar and apparently locked his knees. While it didn’t seem overly warm in the church, his body temperature shot up. He fainted. Like a tree, straight over during the ring exchange.
- We planned a beautiful outdoor reception at a private residence. The bride, abhorred tents, it was not a money issue. After the guests sat down and was served salad, we check the Doppler radar system and realized that we would be seeing rain … like soon. At this point, there is no rain plan, it’s too late. I alerted the groom and we moved up the toasts and the first dances. The skies opened up and we had “sky to ground” lightening with quarter size hail. Needless to say, the guests took cover. The rain did stop and we ate, only to have the skies open up again with a good steady stream. The band’s cords were submerged under water, however, we gave the band’s “tip money” to the sound engineer and he stayed and played his personal iPod. The evening was so much fun with impromptu dancing and a sing-a-long by a guest playing the piano.
- On the eve of one of our weddings, our DJ’s establishment caught fire. The DJ was working late inside the building but made it out okay. He called the fire department, his boss and then us. We had another DJ lined up within one hour and only told the mother of the bride. The outcome was the DJ was able to make the wedding with all his equipment and the reception took place without anyone knowing the wiser. Including the bride, who was told at the very end of the evening.
Oh there is a lot more… perhaps a follow up post at a later date?
Moral of the story? No matter how much you plan, no matter how many times you call a vendor to confirm, no matter how much you want your day to go (ahem) “perfect”… life has a plan of its own. Roll with the punches and enjoy your wedding day.
What were your wedding mishaps?
jokes from the ring bearer
photo credit: Josh Root
A little boy was in a relative’s wedding.
As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd.
While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar.
So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said,
“I was being the Ring Bear.”
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