You’ve heard the news…… Prince William popped the question to Kate Middleton. We’re so excited for these two kids and wish them all the happiness in the world. It’s a fairy tale for Kate, who isn’t royalty at all … she jetted off to University and landed a Prince!
Sooooo…. after much thought (the last 60 minutes), we’d like to submit an RFP to Kate, Prince William, and Prince Charles outlining how WE would produce and plan this royal wedding.
Here are a few of our thoughts.
- Prince William, please get a new engagement ring for Kate, stat. Seriously. We know you love your mother. We love your mother. The whole world loves your mother. But that ring is tainted with misery, lies, infidelity, unhappiness. It’s sapphire and dated. We saw the same ring on QVC last week.
- We promise that any guest arriving in a black Mercedes S-s80 will be asked to leave immediately.
- We’ve already given photos of the Salahi’s to the British Secret Intelligence Service. Just in case they show up “claiming” they were invited, but cannot produce an invitation. It’s kinda how they roll.
- We’ll help Prince Harry with any speeches that he may need to give. Lord knows he’s cute, but he needs a little help with public speaking.
- We highly recommend that no marriage advice should be taken from Prince Charles. He doesn’t exactly have a great track record.
- We’ll slip Camilla a Rohypnol. Hopefully this will loosen her up a bit and lose that sphincter muscle looking smile she puts on out in public.
- We’ll accompany Kate to New York and Paris to find a gorgeous wedding dress that won’t hide her body or have a veil that can stretch out from Amsterdam to the southern tip of Italy.
- We can help train the non-royal familia of Kate on how to fit in with the “other royals”. Including jetting out their pinkie out when they take a drink of anything (tea, water, beer out of a can …) and of course, the “righteous head bobbing motion” that is directed to the other commoners when in public.
- We highly suggest hiring Black Eyed Peas as the wedding band. We know that the Queen Mother USED to secretly dances to My Humps in The Palace. (this just in….Fergie called and said she was busy, but suggested The Pussycat Dolls as an opening act).
- We’ve heard of the wide-spread budget cuts across Britain, and you are in luck, because we are planners that can stick to a budget (forget #9 above). So with that in mind, let’s take this public affair down a notch or two and create a cozy and intimate day. Forget Westminster Abbey or St Paul’s Cathedral, let’s face it …. it’s not your style. Instead let’s rock out the day on the grounds of Buckingham Palace. We are confident that you will get a good deal on the venue rental fee.
Just picture it, Kate and William: a strategic tent with a clear mid roof, flowers, uplit dance floor, professional event lighting and draping of luscious fabrics, lounge furniture (we’ll throw in a few Louis Vuitton straight back pieces for Charles to sit in), suspended stage, gourmet food and half the police of England patrolling to keep the commoners and the crazy media out.
I bet we can cajole Sir Elton John to swing by to serenade Kate as she walks down the aisle. You know how much he loved William’s Mum. (We’ll make sure he leaves his “penis earring” at home).
And look, if you are really strapped for money (seriously the Brits aren’t interested in y’all spending tax payers moola on your nuptials) …. then we can turn this wedding into a reality TV show and I promise, you’ll have KILLER ratings AND a free wedding. You’ll make Trista and Ryan Sutter’s shin-dig look like a high school gym wedding.
Anyhoo…. Prince William and Kate … you got our digits. Call us!
PS: We are so confident that you will hire our team, that we have been preparing for your wedding. First, we eat a lot of french fries with vinegar. We drink tea, all the live long day. And, we have been watching re-runs of Real Housewives of Washington D.C. and Britain’s favorite (twice-divorced) housewife, Cat Ommanney. From her we have learned to integrate the word “bollocks” into our daily communication.
featured photo credit: pfe iPhone